This is 58 18th Street, Parkhurst. It used to be the house I owned. Or at least, I owned a third of it (my ex-husband owned the rest).
This address still holds power for me, because it represents the last time I was a person of consequence in Johannesburg. The city of gold is a city of stuff, and to matter in this town, you need to have a lot of it.
Back in 2008, I mattered. I owned property. I was paying off a car and I had a good job in senior management. Then I moved to a new life in Sydney and that fell apart and so I came back and then things imploded. I’ve been trying to put the pieces back ever since, something I’ve chronicled fairly extensively elsewhere.
Now, I am a demographic anomaly: at the very age at which I should be solidifying my place in comfortable, middle class society, I have nothing. No children, no spouse, no car, no house, no job. I am free in ways that very few people my age can conceive of. But at the same time, I feel completely out of step with the expectations of society and the lives lived by my peers – and that’s a very uncomfortable place to be.
Every now and again I meet people who remind me of my own situation, like Fatima (below), who sells hummus and chickpea fudge at the Bryanston Organic Market, and used to work as a project manager for WPP before she moved back to South Africa. She sells the hummus because she has to, she says. She’d love to earn a salary again.
Everything is up in the air. Besides the schlep of packing and the availability of seats, there is nothing to stop me from getting on a plane and flying to Sydney tomorrow. Now that the Land Rover contract has come to an end, the only things tethering me to this life are family ties and the fear of having to start all over again.
You all have things that keep you tethered to the lives you lead. I used to resent some of the things that kept me tethered; now I long for them even as I fear committing myself to them. Not knowing where you’re headed is a very lonely place to be.
Suburban certainty. I miss it.
Tags: Bryanston Organic Market, Gondwanaland, WPP